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  Adventures of a Girl with Hodgkins

Vulnerability is the New Black

11/18/2010

10 Comments

 
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Monday was round five out of 12 for chemo.   It all went pretty well.  I set a personal record for most minutes awake during a chemo session, thanks in part to the fact that Annie was my chemo buddy for the day and we had a lot to catch up on.

I meant to post this earlier in the week, but I got sidelined with a nasty
ear/nose/throat thingy that has really knocked me for a loop.  It also put the fear of  G-O-D in me, since my doctor has said that if I get the flu, I will have to go to the hospital. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. (In fact, I apologize in advance if this post is a little rambly - I'm kinda hopped up on Sudafed.)

It’s such a weird thing to live in fear of getting sick, especially since I’ve never been much of a germophobe.   Some of my friends open public restroom doors with a paper towel (you know who you are).  I have no problems kicking off my shoes and going barefoot in a crowded bar (especially if those shoes are getting in the way of executing some sweet dance moves).  I’m also a devout follower of the 10-second rule.  When you’re both clumsy and a fan of yummy treats, you sort of have to embrace that rule, or you’re just setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.  

But now, thanks to my battle-weary white cell counts, a cold is not just a minor annoyance -- it's some life-threatening boogey man that could land me in a serious world of hurt.  And quite frankly, I don’t like it. Not one bit. It makes me feel...vulnerable. 

On paper, I’m pro-vulnerability.  I think sitting with discomfort, embracing it, and listening to whatever it has to teach, provides a rare opportunity for grace, for moving closer to understanding all of those questions that usually don’t have answers.   So in theory, I love vulnerability. Love it.  Big fan.

LIVING it, on the other hand, is another thing altogether.
 
It’s not just the cold/sore throat/achey thing (although that does suck), it’s moving out of my apartment and back “home” to DC, getting winded just walking up a flight of stairs, and relying on someone else to pay the bills.

(In a twist on the 70’s show of the feathered bangs, Charlie is my Angel – although as he put it “you must have really f***ed up in a previous life to get ME as an angel, like I can hear you saying 'I was expecting a beautiful maiden with the long hair and the wings. Who sent me the cranky Italian!?'”) 

Unlike past break-ups, or broken bones, or getting the car towed – or any other of my countless dances with feeling fragile, I don’t really have a choice this time. I have to let vulnerability lead.   And even for all of my lip service to the contrary, I've really been fighting it. 

And then I saw this TED talk by Brene Brown.   She's a sociologist who studies issues of empathy and vulnerability and her research has led her to this conclusion: the people that are the happiest, the people that feel the most connected, believe that what makes them vulnerable, makes them beautiful.  For me, it's realizing I look good - with or without hair. Or that accepting help can actually bring me closer to people I love, not make me a burden.  Or finally understanding that I don't have to do so much,  that sometimes it's okay to just be.

Who knew having cancer could be so beautiful?
10 Comments
Laurie McGuckin
11/18/2010 12:40:02 pm

As always, you are an inspiration, and a joy to read...sending you light and love.

Reply
Charlie
11/19/2010 01:22:59 am

Who knew indeed...well, I never knew how, but somehow I knew you'd find a way to make cancer "beautiful." Almost halfway there - fru-fru drinks with umbrellas on the horizon...

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Nayna
11/19/2010 03:14:04 am

Erin, this entry is nothing short of poetry. You're so eloquent. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. xo, n

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Stevie
11/19/2010 03:17:04 am

You are so amazing. LOVE YOU can't wait for this time next week!

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RfT
11/19/2010 04:27:44 am

"Stories are just data with a soul." - Yeah . Thanks for the soul food.

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Dance Partner
11/19/2010 04:39:44 am

You do indeed bust the move on the dance floor as I am still sore from last Christmas! But I believe your shoes were on. Keep kicking ass, can't wait to get you back out on the dance floor!

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Amy
11/19/2010 09:35:06 am

I love this shirt and love you! You are beautiful in any color. Hope your sore throat is gone. Xo

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Michelle
11/21/2010 11:14:53 am

Hello my Love,
You remind me of your mother. You have her fierceness, ambition and determination. I think it's clear you inspire all who surround you. In 5 weeks, I can't wait to take you into my arms and give you the hug of the month (I'm sure you've had plenty from friends and family close by).

As much as I hate what has happened to our family over the past year (except for Aubrey of course), it makes us stronger. I hate the plan, but this experience is teaching you something, and you and I are similar in this sense so I'm not going to spell it out for you. But these tragedies test our hope, trust, our general foundation. Erin you are growing into yourself from a different perspective. Its a shitty word called age. Apparently this age thing brings about more horrible things than we could have imagined. What happened to "Where the wild things are" and "Goodnight Moon". So simple and inspiring.

It's not a state secret that you are beautiful inside and out, smart, resourceful, and generous (and I'm leaving out a lot of adjectives). I'm so blessed to have the privilege of knowing you and Anne.

Hang in there my little courageous slayer!

All my love,

M

Reply
Janina
11/22/2010 03:58:17 am

Your funny/incisive/you-to-the-bone words make me laugh, think, appreciate and have real perspective. No small accomplishment for a vulnerable girl with a "thingy" (operating on a sliver of her energy)! You've skillfully succeeded in cheering us up - unbelievable. Quite a Thanksgiving gift. To which I say Amen.
Love

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Amanda
11/23/2010 07:52:00 pm

This Thanksgiving week, I am thankful for so much! For your beautiful words that allow us to see into your experience via your heart, for this treatment- though horrible and ugly- that is making you well again! And simply for you- I am so grateful to have you as my friend!

I'm wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with everything you are grateful for!

Amanda

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