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  Adventures of a Girl with Hodgkins

My Life As a Grizzly Bear

2/7/2011

8 Comments

 
Charlie hates winter. A lot.

He lived in LA for ten years before moving to DC and you know that old quote about leaving California before it makes you soft?  Too late. I know, I know, there aren't a lot of people who really *love* winter, but he hates it with a depth and passion I usually see reserved for bedbugs and pedophiles.  
    
That's all just to say that after four solid weeks of snow and freezing rain and the kind of icy winds that cut through your soul, he's gone from merely cranky to downright despondent.  I go back and forth between trying to cheer him up by plying him with chocolate, and telling him to put on his big boy pants and suck it up until April. 

Then I remembered something my very wise friend Jen Steinman told me last March. I was visiting New York after weeks of holing up at my sister's house, dealing with various facets of small estate law and trying to wrap my brain around life with without my momma.  I was talking to Jen about what was next, what the future might hold, when I would come back to New York, back to my "normal" life.  "Slow down" she said, "You've just been through the ringer. Think of it like this: you're in the middle of your winter. Spring will come again when it's time, and then you can break out the sundress and flip flops and dance in the street.  Right now you need to let yourself put on flannel pajamas and hibernate."  I loved that image.  And it was a total relief. The truth was I had no *idea* how to get back to normal -- or what that even looked like.

By May I was feeling a little lighter. My sister had her baby and all that new life
goodness was like the first whiff of spring.  Two days later I had my biopsy and got the news that would knock me back into the cave for another nine months.

I've never actually been a bear, but I can imagine that after sleeping in one position in the dark for a whole season, your muscles get stiff and your senses get dulled and when you first stick your head out of the cave, the sunlight hurts your eyes. That's kind of of how I feel about the end of chemo and the beginning of the rest of my life.

This weekend, all of my hibernating came to a head in a little emotional breakdown that basically looked a lot like me sitting on the couch and crying for an hour straight. I felt like I had lost all perspective and like I couldn't take one more minute of winter.  Kinda like...Charlie. 

Don't you just hate it when your own words come back to bite you in the ass? Empathy is a great equalizer that way. 

As Charlie put it sometimes it's not about making the best of it, or sucking it up. Sometimes you've just got to wait it out and hold on until spring.  And as I sit here, hooked up to the drip for chemo session #11, I can almost hear the birds chirping.  So here's what I"m gonna do:  I"m gonna fix a nice cup of hot cocoa and then change into my big girl pants -- the flannel ones.  Because let's face it - spring may be just around the corner, but it's still cold outside.
8 Comments
RfT
2/7/2011 02:45:17 am

BB, Beautifully written. And apropos of so many of us, 'hunkered down in our winter caves'. Spring is coming. YOU are the birdsong. RfT

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Amanda
2/7/2011 02:59:03 am

I love you Miss Essenmacher! And can't wait to sit beside you while we enjoy the warm sun on our faces!

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JennyT
2/7/2011 03:32:20 am

A favorite quote of mine by Albert Camus: "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer."

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Nayna
2/7/2011 08:44:12 am

I love Germano for hating winter. I share that hatred and I grew up here. Maybe that's why I hate it. I miss CA weather! That being said, it does make me appreciate good weather (unlike when I was in CA - took it for granted). Thanks for always sharing your experiences in such a raw yet tender voice. It makes me feel like beside you.

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Kate
2/10/2011 02:26:25 am

I'm not as good with words as you are so I'll repeat: I LOVE YOUR BLOGS. While I am so happy you are at the end of your chemo hell, just one more round, I will miss seeing updates into your optimistic existence. I hope you have another blog because your energy always makes me happy, and your words often bring me to tears...but your logic never fails me, ever. Sometimes you can't fix it or look up. Sometimes it is what it is and you have to ride it out and see what's coming.

Fleece is good if flannel doesn't cheer you up. :)

xoxo
Kate

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Allegra
2/13/2011 09:12:52 am

blown away by your writing again Erin. you are amazing!

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Sandra B
2/16/2011 11:16:16 pm

Loving your blog Erin, thinking of you and loving you.

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Michelle
2/17/2011 10:33:56 am

I've got to 2nd everything Kate said. This blog has helped me through my own tough moments, especially managing thru my own emotions of loss.

All my love -

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