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  Adventures of a Girl with Hodgkins

Letters from La Jolla

3/16/2011

10 Comments

 
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I’m here in La Jolla California, getting in a nice mix of work and R and R. I came to San Francisco for my friend Marianna’s wedding and then took a drive down the coast so I could put my toes in the sand on the beach here. Except for the occasional jaunt up to New York, chemo had pretty much kept me chained to DC, so it’s nice to be able to get out to SF and LA and to hug in person all of those people who have been cheering me on from afar these past six months.

I keep calling this California trip my “victory lap”, an extension of the post-chemo party. But the truth is, except for the when I look in the mirror and am still (always) momentarily shocked that the woman starting back at me is kinda bald, cancer feels like a distant memory. 

Except for when it’s not. Because while I mostly feel pretty great and happy to have made it through and out the other side in one piece, I also feel a little out of sorts kind of like I’m in limbo.

The last time I was in La Jolla, I was filming scenes for an Animal Planet series.  I can remember driving these streets, along the beach, through the hills and walking Torrey Pines State Park scouting for the perfect locations. That was seven and a half years ago.  It seems like another lifetime.

My friend Michi described her own experience with cervical cancer as “surviving a head on collision with the universe.”  And while I feel lucky that I made it through chemo in better shape than most, I understand what she means. My eyes are sunken and lined with dark circles, I have scars on my chest and arms (from the port and the rashes, respectively), my joints ache and I’m still tired most of the time. I feel like chemo has aged me at least 10 years. Kind of like what happens to dudes after they become president, except I don’t have to worry about who has the nuclear football. 

In the coming weeks as my system starts to detox and heal, I know my body will move back toward normal. I also know that emotionally and spiritually, I will never be the same. 

I never wanted the cancer to define me.  Even before I started treatment, words like “survivor” made me cringe. I thought somehow I was different, special. I wasn’t going wallow in the “cancer experience” or get bogged down by it. Cancer was something to move through, to get past on my way back to my “real life”.

But my life has sort of taken on this dividing line: before 2010 and after. And as with a lot of things post-2010, I get it now.  My perspective has totally shifted. Now, like Ringo, I"m just happy to be here.  Now I see cancer not as something to “get over” or move past, but a place to grow out from.

A yoga teacher once told me that the word limbo gets a bad wrap. That if you can embrace the uncertainty, limbo is a really powerful place to be. It's where all the juicy stuff happens that prepares you for the next phase of growth.

I know this whole experience has changed me, I’m just not totally sure how. That will reveal itself in its own good time. For now I will settle for some sand between my toes and the knowledge that while I may not be special, I’m something better. I’m a survivor.

10 Comments
b.a.g.
3/16/2011 03:44:15 pm

Love me some Beatles, but let's be clear about one thing: Ringo Starr is NO Erin Essenmacher.

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RfT
3/17/2011 01:08:46 am

In the classical structure of "The Hero's Journey" - you have passed through the valley of the shadow of death. You are DUE this time to heal, recover, cleanse your spirit.

This is the warrior's rite of rebirth.

Don't rush it.

Savour the sand. Relish the wind. Be in your body. Rest in your spirit.

The world abides.

Reply
Lynn
3/17/2011 01:29:43 am

Has it really been 7 years? Wow. We've lived a couple lifetimes since then, my dear! La Jolla led us to NYC and you to SF. Looks like it will be the gateway for your next chapter as well! Hope you made it to Sushi on the Rock for some monkey balls! xoxo

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milana
3/17/2011 02:27:54 pm

Yay! I'm glad you're here! Can't wait for our weekend!

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Laurie
3/17/2011 06:28:55 pm

Always sending you light and love. Thank you for being such an inspiration and example of grace.

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Amy
3/17/2011 10:15:35 pm

What a beautiful post. I am constantly learning from you, my friend. Looking forward to a proper victory lap in NYC . Until then lots of hugs and love. -- Fal xxxoo

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AMY
3/17/2011 10:16:14 pm

PS YOUR TOES LOOK FAB!! GLAD YOU MADE TIME FOR A PEDI. XXXOO

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Andrea
3/28/2011 01:14:15 am

I am just gonna agree with b.a.g. on this one...
CHEERS TO YOU!
XOXOXOXO

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Janina
4/4/2011 04:19:09 am

OK, I agree. you're not special. You are spectacular. Fantabulous. Full of magic. Gifted with the incredible ability to make all of us richer for knowing you. A gentle yet fearless soul whose impact is and will be great. So very happy to be in your sphere.
Lots of love
Janina

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Lily link
9/16/2021 08:55:49 am

Grreat reading your blog

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