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  Adventures of a Girl with Hodgkins

Go Shorty, It's My Birfday

2/23/2011

13 Comments

 
Today marks chemo treatment 12 of 12. That’s 100% for those of you scoring at home (I’ve been waiting 6 months to say that!!!)  It’s a momentous day that almost got eclipsed this week by work and a really awesome case of the worse hives ever.  (It’s sort of like chemo’s parting gift to me -- Thanks for the memories chemo. Don't worry,  I won’t forget you. Ever.)

Yesterday while I was at the dermatologist to try and get rid of said hives, Dr. P congratulated me on getting to my last treatment.  “It’s a big day!” he said. And for once I said “thank you. It is a big day” and meant it.  Before this, chemo was just something I had to do, something I endured because I had to (kind of like a whole bunch of root canals. Without novacaine.)  But now that I’m actually here and it’s almost done, I do feel like I made it. Like I accomplished something big. Or at least survived with my sense of humor marginally intact, which feels like a big accomplishment in and of itself.

My stepmom texted me last night to ask me what my “chemo eve” resolutions are.  As in “you’re done with this chapter. You get a fresh start. What do you want that to look like?”

It’s a little hard to say for sure, because like so many “opportunities for growth” you don’t really appreciate them until they’re done and over with and you have a little perspective.  When they’re happening they usually kinda suck.  And even though I’m at the end, I think the lesson in all of this won’t be evident for months or years to come.  That said, I thought long and hard, and so from where I stand now, here are my “chemo eve” resolutions:

  1. Get more sleep and eat more vegetables
Because I learned that I’m not unbreakable, that my body has limits and if I want my body to be nice to me, I need to be nice to it.  This is also a good rule for every other part of life too.

2.     Train for a marathon
Because I’ve also learned that my body is stronger and more resilient in the kind of ways you don’t understand until you’ve tested the limits. It’s capable of beating cancer and surviving ritual poisoning for 6 months and bouncing back. Plus I’ve always wanted to run a marathon and have continually put it off, which brings me to…

3.    Stop putting off my life goals for “maybe someday”
Warning: this is where I invoke the cheesy cliché about life being fragile and precious and how you only get one go ‘round in this body.  That’s because well, life is fragile and precious and you only get one go ‘round in this body, which you appreciate a lot more when you face the prospect of losing it. So I’m going to run a marathon and write my book even though I don’t totally know the story goes yet and direct my own film even if I don’t have the funding in place  and visit all the countries that start with an “I”, also Greece. Oh wait, Iran and Iraq both start with "I"s don't they?  Okay maybe I'll stop at India on that one.

4.    Reach out, pay it forward
More than anything this whole experience has really shown me how important it is to reach out, the power of connection. You can’t imagine how the simple act of sending an email or a text or a pair of fuzzy socks in the mail can make someone’s whole day, but I’m here to tell you they can. Now that I’m finishing up with my rough patch, I’m going to harness all of the energy and support and fuzzy socks love that you’ve showered on me the past six months and do my best to do you proud by reaching out to other people who need it.

5.     Practice gratitude daily
I’m usually a pretty optimistic person, but these last six months have really put that to test, and I can say without hesitation that gratitude has carried me through. When so much feels so heavy, it’s easy to get crushed unless you take time to remember why you should get out of bed.  That’s why I have taken to spending a few minutes each morning to thank the universe for at least three things I feel lucky to have in my life.  Some days all I can muster are things like peppermint tea and bubble baths, but everyday my list includes all of my amazing family and friends. You’re enough to make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world – even on chemo days.

6.      Follow my heart with intention
I’ve tried to follow this mantra my whole life, but I have to admit that in the past, it’s been way too easy to get caught up in the rat race, to listen to the nagging “shoulds” that programmed in, without really thinking about why I’m doing what I’m doing.  Now that I’ve spent six months just putting one foot in front of the other out of necessity, I cringe at the prospect of doing it by default.  Whatever I choose to do, I’m going to do 100% with my whole heart.  Anything else is just a waste of time.

7. Stop sweating the small stuff
There's nothing like being bald to put all those times I stressed over a bad hair day, in perspective. Ditto for worrying about the size of my thighs and for taking things personally.  Imagine how much more time and energy I would have for following my heart and paying it forward and marathon training and book writing and vegetable eating (not to mention playing in bouncy castles) if I just let go a little more and said f* it a little more often.

I'm sure I could think of a few more but the nurse has ported me up, my dad and Annie and Jeff are on their way down and Charlie is decorating the treatment room with streamers and balloons. The receptionist just walked by and stopped to see what's going on (I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because I’m wearing a tiara…we take this last treatment celebration business very seriously). She asked if today is my birthday. I guess in a way, it is.

13 Comments
Cindy Germano
2/23/2011 12:48:47 am

So so so so happy. I think I'll find a tiara somewhere here at my desk ( I KNOW I have one somewhere in one of these files) or at the very least sprinkle some barbie pink glitter in my hair to celebrate the last day of this chapter of your life.
Way to go Erin, I never had a doubt that you would kick big fat cancers ass right out of town!

Reply
Jenny Teates
2/23/2011 12:59:03 am

YAAAAAY!!! Sending you some big squishy hugs. Congrats, hon. As soon as I pop this baby out, I'm meeting you for copious amounts of margarita-goodness.

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RfT
2/23/2011 01:05:00 am

So very proud of your spirit. So very inspired by your writing. So much in love with your soul.

I promise to put you in armor, and set you on a horse the first chance I get.

You've more than earned it.


RfT

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Jen Chambers
2/23/2011 02:46:12 am

Congratulations Erin!! Can't wait to celebrate with you this weekend.
Jen

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Partha
2/23/2011 02:56:52 am

Another friend from back home was undergoing chemo recently, only she thought it an ugly word and chose to refer to it as "Charm School" instead, all Flavor Flav jokes notwithstanding. Playing by those rules, I guess this makes it graduation day for you, Erin. Congratulations!

As far as goal #3 goes, if you make it to Iran, I think that should count for two "I" countries :)


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nayna agrawal
2/23/2011 04:21:42 am

So happy. So so happy. So very happy. Happy, happy, happy.

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Amanda
2/23/2011 09:32:49 pm

Yay! I'm dancing with my sparkling tiara!

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Patrick Merkel
2/23/2011 11:14:21 pm

congratulations! So happy!

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Betsy link
2/24/2011 06:16:49 am

Love you like a daughter Erin! And I'm soooo happy for you. Congratulations girl!

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Debbie Reier
2/25/2011 07:59:19 am

You are such an inspiration Erin! May I be the first in line to buy your book and see your movie. All of us should keep your resolutions close to our hearts. Congratulations!

Reply
Deitra L. Jackson link
2/25/2011 01:23:07 pm

YAY!!! I'm sooo happy for you!
Kudos for #6
And tiaras go with anything. All day. E'eryday!

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Audrey Essen
3/2/2011 06:10:16 am

You make me want to be a better person. Congrats again and I'll be the 1st in line for the book and to get a ticket to your film(s)! You can do anything!
Love you!
Aunt Audrey

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Andrea
3/3/2011 09:05:36 am

Erinnnnn!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I am so, so, so happy for you!!!!

It's particularly ironic that your rebirth has given so many of us a new chance to look at things, an opportunity to reevaluate... it also seems oddly unfair that it's your "birthday" and we are the ones receiving such a gift... in you.

Thank you for continuing to share your journey... you continue to be an inspiration.

Love and hugs from Brazil, which awaits you when you are ready for some samba and caipirinhas!

Andrea

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